“A
problem cannot be solved by the same level of consciousness that created it.” –
Albert Einstein
I have always understood this quote to mean
that when a problem exists we have to come at it from another angle entirely,
from totally outside of the box. When we focus only on the problem as it
stands, we are serving only to consolidate it. But what if the problem we face
is within ourselves? How do we go about creating an alternate dialogue, a
totally new space from which to view and answer the problem?
Since this year began I have been having a
very challenging time. I have been working through many old fears and
experiencing the re-arousal of thought patterns and emotions I had believed I
had long ago worked through.
In the case of all these challenges, the
key point has been discovering an alternate dialogue, an alternate point to
rest my awareness and focus. I have, since I can remember, had a very strong
fear of rape, despite this experience not directly touching my life. But it has
been a fear that has been calling for acknowledgement in my dreams and in my
thoughts for a long time now.
At the beginning of the year I decided to
go away, I needed some quiet time. When I got there, I realised it was really
in order to work through this fear. I went to seek out some old rock paintings.
I left my car on purpose about 3 kms from the car park and walked a beautiful,
wild and deserted landscape. I revelled in the beauty and felt very connected
to all I saw.
When I got to the cave, I walked up to it
and stopped there. It was at that point that two cars drove up and 8 men in
total got out. They were young men and looked a bit rough, they were swearing
and kicking at the cars. It didn’t matter who they were, or what they were
really there to do, my fear kicked in and paralysed me. They had been
transformed into potential attackers. I hid behind a rock, wondering if they
were coming up, but instead they went off talking loudly into the woods. I
stayed frozen.
I didn’t know what to do, to wait till they
came and left, though I didn’t have much daylight left, or to begin walking the
3kms back to my car with the chance they would overtake me on the way. I stayed
terrorised like that for a time.
Eventually I got myself together and
decided to walk. I tried to feel the previous connection I had to nature, but I
could sense so clearly that when fear is felt the heart shuts down. My heart
was closed and constricted and I couldn’t make the connection. I have heard it
so often said that fear is the opposite of love. I was living its reality.
As I walked, I called upon protection. I
know that I am never really alone and I asked for all that is around to
surround and support me at this time. So many thoughts went through my mind. If
I know myself to be a truly infinite being having an experience here on this
plane, why does this fear have such power over me? What exactly is this fear
made up of?
For the first time I had the mental space
to really enter into the fear. I no longer ran from looking at it. I could see
so clearly what it was composed of. I could see how much of it was truly mine
and how much was inherited. I could see personally that I was afraid of pain, I
was afraid of experiencing something that would change me forever, which I
wouldn’t come back from. In my case this was the root of my fear, the fear of
annihilation. This fear has played out previously and since in the fear of
losing my mind, it is the same fear, just dressed up in different clothes.
In the case of rape I also understood that
there was a large inherited component. Throughout history in battles with
tribes or armies, the conquerors typically raped and pillaged. Women, I felt
must have this memory somehow imprinted on a cellular level.
But then I saw the flip side. I had made
these men into potential attackers. The reality was that they were probably picking
mushrooms in the woods with no knowledge or interest of my existence. But I was
living another reality. We create our reality based upon our beliefs and
perceptions and this was a case in point.
I have done a lot of work on healing the
wounded feminine and connected with the sacred feminine. It came as a real eye
opener a while back when I worked to heal the wounded masculine in my family
line and connect to the sacred masculine. It was humbling and very beautiful
and I saw how quick and trained I was to stereotype. As I was clearly doing in
this instance!
I was often told that it was important to
work with the masculine as I contain a great part of it. When we speak
of the Shadow, we tend to think of all the negative things. But Jung describes
it as that which man has not claimed, that we do not yet own. There are of
course the more negative aspects that we shirk and avoid individually and
collectively, but much of our true potential lies there too. Many of our gifts
reside in the Shadow, for the Shadow, as I understand it, is where we do not
shine the light of focus.
In my case I have been more afraid of
claiming my own power and light than I have been of exploring my darkness.
I allowed this fear of rape to play out in
order to seek out the solution. I spent a further night of terror, yet I spent
a lot of time in meditation and openly seeking guidance. By the next morning I had
come through. I worked with a release, stating what I no longer chose to define
and limit me and choosing with intent what I wanted in its place.
In the end it was about accepting my power,
my creative energy that I had blocked for so long through shame and fear and
that I was now ready to accept. I wrote
a release and burnt it and did the same for 8 following days. 8 was the number
that seemed right to me for this release. It was very powerful and I have not
been the same since. I no longer carry what I have carried for so long, I felt
reborn.
I later remembered that 2 years ago on the
first trip I had done by myself I had come up against this same fear. Again I
had been on a deserted path walking to the beach in nearing twilight, 7 kms away
from the main road. I had seen a lot of rough looking men and gotten scared. I
had walked the 7kms back in record time, but in absolute terror, even hiding in
bushes when I heard a car coming. This
time round I was being given another opportunity to work through the fear.
Until we work through a fear or a limiting
belief that we hold, I believe that we will continue to encounter it. It is not
negative, though it may feel to be that way, it is an opportunity, a call to
seek another facet of consciousness from which to view and approach it and then ultimately to go beyond it.
Meditation and visualisations have been
very powerful in helping me connect and expand into other facets of
consciousness from which to view the problems. I could not free myself from my
stereotypes of men and the masculine until I journeyed in a visualisation to
meet the Sacred Masculine. It had absolutely nothing to do with the masculine
as I understood it and it provided me with a difference reference point. Thus I
had another reference from which to view my daily reality from.
For weeks though I have been awash with vey
uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. The other morning in meditation I worked
to explore it and it came to me that sometimes these habitual fears and
thoughts arise, not to set us back. It is not a case of “I haven’t moved, I’m
back to square one, I’ll never go further.” Rather, it is a way of
consolidating one’s own power. Of getting to see by using familiar reference
points, how much one has moved. How do I deal with it differently this time
round? What tools do I have that I can work with? It is a way of taking stock
of my power and progress in a time of strife.
Whether it’s true or not I have often heard
it said that when a small child gets a high fever, they say that they will have
a growth push afterwards. I felt that this is what was happening. The
experience of fears, difficult and uncomfortable emotions and thoughts was a
bit like having a high fever. I felt that I was contracting into myself.
I understood that after this period of
contraction, when you begin to unfurl, you unfurl a little more than
before. It is actually part of the
experience of expansion.
