Releasing Thinking

Judgement is definition. As long as I am in the process of describing and defining, I am bound by judgements. This has its roots in the relation I have with my own thought. I feel, I experience and instantly I begin translating it into thought in the effort to understand.

But definition, in order to create meaning, needs to have an “other” via which it shapes itself. I am always in relation to, rather than being.  Much as I would like to leave aside judgement it will not be possible whilst I continue to map out the world around me in this fashion. 

For a long time I have felt that I have been clinging on especially to my thoughts.  My thinking allows me to define the experience of my reality, yet I deeply sense that it is actually hampering me.

I have had many experiences that simply go beyond understanding as I traditionally relate to it. I have seen things and experienced things especially in meditative states, that have shifted me profoundly and there is no explanation that I can hammer out with thought, nor do I wish to.  I draw great strength and acceptance from these moments and they simply bypass thought.

Yet there is still the fear that if I let go then I will be completely afloat. A deep part of me knows that this is not the case, but the more ego-based part furiously digs in its heels. Who am I, if I no longer seek to define me? I have been letting go of defining roles and labels, but I have yet to let go of the thinking. 

I attended a talk the other evening by Emilio Carillo* who stated that thinking was a habit. We take it as a fact, as our means of apprehending reality, but it is just a familiar trait. We can pick another.

I have it very clear that the events I experience in the physical world are born first in the non-physical realms. Reality is manifested when the energy on the non-physical planes reaches a depth, density and focus that allow it to become apparent on the physical plane.

This requires a shift in focus. We are used to tending to the external manifestations and working hard to change the things already in physical existence. This for me corresponds to my understanding of “doing”. We feel we are operating as we should, though remaining unsatisfied by our efforts. It is the way we “do” things and it is exhausting.

But I am seeing that my reality springs less from my “doing” than from my “being”.  I have to first “be” what I wish to experience and manifest. But the being naturally transcends thought. My thought will seek to judge the “being” and to compare and contrast it to what is already manifest.

I have to seek the beingness within me. One way I am working with this is to just tell myself to “Be my I AM presence.” Especially when I begin to feel disperse and frazzled it is almost instantly calming and centering. I begin to sense the fluidity of my being with all the world around me, the sense of flow rather than separation.

The more I seek to be in myself, the more able I am to recognise the beingness in others and in the unfolding world around me. I get to sense, feel and intuit things with an acceptance, which is radically different from the tabulating, comparing and defining of my traditional thinking.

* He is a great speaker, many of his talks are available on YouTube, though only in Spanish. 

The Point of Power is In The Present

(Title taken from ‘The Nature of Personal Reality: Seth Book” – Jane Roberts)

I have read that with the point of power being in the present, this signifies that your creation point, the point from which all reality will spring is in the Now. But when I speak of reality springing from this point, not only do I mean all future realities, but also the past.

Can we create the past? With our current concept of linear time it seems practically nonsensical, but it can be done. One very simple example of it in action, is an experience I had recently.

We create stories, a narrative around our lives. Just as with dreams, seemingly random events are experienced and in waking, we create a narrative upon which to hang the story of our lives. This becomes what defines us. I am this, I lived this, it had this effect, it thus made me who I am today. But all this is changeable. Nothing is fixed.

I grew up and held the narrative of myself as having felt separate. Since I could remember I felt apart, different, as if somehow I didn’t quite belong. I didn’t feel as if I fit, even within my own family. And so I drew to myself all the memories of not feeling understood, accepted, part of a whole. I defined myself through the language and remembered events of separation. That defined me and carved out my understanding of my own identity.

I suffered with this growing up and for many years. But later when I began seeking in another way I realised that it had been necessary for me to feel that I didn’t fit. It allowed me to always seek. I would not have been so motivated had it all been too comfortable, there would have been the danger of static complacency. I understood that I had chosen this and I grew thankful for those who had helped me in this way, knowingly or unknowingly.

But I still held the sadness within me even though I felt that I understood it. When I thought of myself as a child, I did not recall myself being happy. One day I made the decision to begin seeking those memories. To pull out from my life the times when I did feel loved and held, safe and whole.

It took time, because my other narrative was very well established. But I managed. I recalled sitting with my mother, I remembered Sunday afternoons, watching black and white films with her, eating pears in the kitchen in the commercial breaks. There was something so comforting and wonderful with those memories. I felt so close to the love she had for me, that it began to wash through me. I gave it the voice I had long smothered.

The story of my life began to change. I had another reference by which to recall my life, it had been eclipsed by the strength of my focus in another direction. Can anything be all bad or all good? Not in its entirety. So through choice we can seek the seed of the other from within our seemingly solid narratives.

I literally changed my life through my present and ended up changing my past and my future. My relationships began to change, because they were now formed and built on different events, different feeling tones.

We have this ability at all times in our lives. I have experienced it more slightly of late. I have not kept in touch with certain people I would have liked to. The fearful part of me says that if I haven’t done it up till now then it’s too late, it no longer fits. I’ve chosen a way and now I’m stuck with it.

But that’s simply not the case. I get to create from this moment, from my present and the only bounds are those I place around myself.