The Play in Being a Source Point

As I’m sure a lot of us have done, I have given great thought to why I am here. One of the answers I have found is that I am a Source point. By being here, by thinking what I think, doing what I do I act as a conduit for Source energy to better enter. I understood this when I thought of myself actively doing things. 

One day I went to walk the dog and I heard loud noises, explosions, whistles. Usually I would walk away from the noise seeking quiet, but this time I walked towards it, towards the main road. There I saw that there was a demonstration. The situation here in Spain is very tense and there is much anger and frustration all around. 

As I walked I felt as if I was transported to the Circles of which I had been doing some visualisations on past incarnations. To know more about the Circles, they are bound to come up often in my writings: www.the13circles.com I could feel the energy, that of Source, the feeling of Oneness. I was completely taken up with this energy, I carried it with me.

I stood on the other side of the street opposite the demonstration and though I saw it I did not enter into it. I did not try to understand reasons for the demonstration, it was if I was present seeing the physical reality but simultaneously standing within an energetic one. I stood for as long as my dog would let me and I was completely within another energy. I sent it out.

This is how I understood being a Source point, actively opening a channel within the grid for that energy to stream through. I have been told that it is about working with and creating a new paradigm, opening up the potentials and possibilities for it to expand.

What I am coming to understand though is that this doesn’t even have to be conscious. Just being here is part of it. I have been reading a book ‘The Three Waves of Volunteers and the New Earth’ by Dolores Cannon and it has been sparking all kinds of ideas and understanding and both feeding into and being fed by my daily life. The same message, in different ways is coming through. 

Just by being, certain people, the volunteers in the case of the book, are changing the people around them. In it there is one instance of a woman just by walking through a mall helping to shift the people around her through her aura whilst having no conscious notion of what she was doing. 

I find this a beautiful idea. That just by being, the energy that we hold and that is around us in our auric field can help in the shift. I feel it more and more with trees now. As I walk, I am aware of walking through their auras and it is lovely to pass through. I feel as though I recharge and reconnect. Perhaps this happens to everyone but we are not aware of it.

This morning my little daughter wanted to go for a walk and wanted to head to the main street. She is wonderful, so full of light and I really enjoy being around her, I feel uplifted in her presence. She is so sure of herself. She is very sweet to look at and attracts attention, but I feel after all that I am studying that it is more than that. In my mind’s eye I see her as streaming light. 

Today we went down the road and people smile at her as they go by. I wonder if she is working with them without either knowing what is happening. We stopped at an employment agency and she decided to play on the stair there for ten minutes. She went up the ramp and off the stair again and again and again in a clockwise motion. The front of the agency was all glass and a man sat inside waiting. As he saw her he smiled and I wondered whether she had felt drawn to come for him. Could this exchange be affecting him? 

On and on she went and both the man and the woman working there began to interact with her. After the man left, she said now she needed to go the other way and went up the stair and down the ramp, again and again and again, this time anti-clockwise. Could life be so magical and so full that all these gestures had purpose and meaning? 

She is very social, the most social in the family and completely unlike me in that regard. She actively seeks it out. I began to wonder whether she seeks it out in order to touch as many as she can. That was another point that was brought forth from the same book. 

We went on down the street and we stopped to play. We laughed and shouted, playing hide and seek whilst she was always in plain view, just with her eyes closed! We played and played at dragons, at my being a witch and she a little frog I was trying to catch. We were having fun. People smiled as they went by.

Is this how we can begin to effect change? Not by “doing” anything so dramatic, but, for example, playing with all our hearts’ in the street. Do the people who pass see that and maybe want to feel like that? Maybe it makes them wonder how they can get to that in their own lives’. Do we impart that feeling of joy to them as they go by? Does it set an example that there is so much enjoyment to be had just by standing near a pillar, doing a small roar and reaching out for a child who dissolves into hearty laughter? I feel it does. 

When we talk about working to create a new paradigm, it does not have to be serious work. By having fun, by being light in a street where most are stressed, where most don’t feel they have the liberty away from their concerns to be light, it opens a space for that potential to come through. It is also an example that is attainable for all. It was not economic, it was not attained through social apartness or classism, it was something that most could relate to. 

Funnily enough it was on the street where the demonstration happened that I began writing about. I feel that this is where the shift happens, in the rebalancing of energy. The more of this that I incorporate and manifest in my life, the more it will naturally be incorporated into the world around me.  

Worlds Expanding From Moments And How To Track It

Yesterday I wrote about my mandalas, I have never written about them before. It got me thinking about how wonderful it is that one moment, one experience created so much and continues to do so. It is like a microcosm of what we are doing all the time.

There is an event in this case, the difficulty, and then I began to make a mandala, through that my concept of doing began to change. I grew in confidence and began to rely more upon my intuition, it was okay to listen to the urge to do things.

Eventually it led to making more mandalas inspired by sacred geometry and bringing together other interests. As I write about them they take on another dimension, drawing together learning from other experiences and study. All this comes together to create something new. It came about in a piece of writing that then gets physicalized into a blog and then from that starts to spark new thoughts.

Within each moment is an infinite trajectory of discovery and creation. I have had this vision for a while that of worlds expanding out from one moment.

This is how I understand past lives, we have and are creating lives around different moments, within these lives are the experiences like the mandalas that as a generating fractal pattern continue to spiral outwards.

What I understand to be the beginnings of multidimensionality is the ability to begin to hold the view of these multiple trajectories within our focus, the point where our consciousness currently resides. So instead of having to shift our consciousness point to enter into the other realities, we begin to hold and draw more of the experiences at the point where our focus currently rests.  

Writing this now I begin to feel that this is one of the lessons that my dreams have taught me. I have a very good dream recall and have worked with it for a while now. As I have done this, the dream events are no different for me than waking events. They inform me, give me an example to refer back to. 

Like the dream I mentioned where I drew light from the dark, they connect me to different possibilities and better inform my waking choices. They also teach me directly and I have taught in my dreams, bringing together information and ideas that I am working on and putting them forth far more eloquently and with greater understanding than my recall allows me to access on waking. 

But this is the beginning, holding two different realities within one focus. For a while now I have felt that there is no real separation between waking and sleeping and what goes on in the two. Each informs the other, there is communication flowing freely between them. 

Experiences in waking reality flow back to the dream world and vice versa. Sometimes they share the same channel of communication and explore the same experiences or ideas and other times each one generates something new to have the other world spark on. It leads me to the feeling that all is one and there is such peace within this.

I have to say that I did work very hard for this. Dedicating at least half an hour most mornings on waking to writing down my dreams. Before I went to sleep I also write for about half an hour about my day or whatever I felt to be relevant at the time. 

Held between those writings was the rest of my day which I also consciously examine as I go through it. And by consciously examine I do not mean tearing it into intellectually pieces that render themselves unintelligible. Rather I refer what unfolds in my day and in myself to what I am learning either through the books I read, the ideas I have, the dreams, my meditations and with that the communication flows through most of my day. It is through this that moments expand into greater realities. 

Mandalas 2012

Mandala I:

A while ago I got the urge to buy some pastels. On buying them I immediately felt guilty, "what do I need them for?" was the first thought. "I do not do art, I am not an artist," was the second. Hearing these thoughts I still went ahead.

I was going through a very challenging time where the usual means of helping and dealing with difficult situations no longer seemed to be an option. So instead, I decided to create the energy of what I felt I was in, the old energy which I felt was being turned around. I became immersed in my feelings. I started rubbing at the pastels on the paper and enjoyed how they came together. I didn't really think at all, I just did and it felt natural. I was trying to manifest in art my frustration at the situation I was in.

Someone I loved was going through a very difficult time and I felt that it was symbolic of the old energy, the atmosphere of the house was saturated and it was very hard to be myself within it and be with them through it. The whole situation was fear based (and I don't mean that judgmentally or that it was irrational fear, it was just generated from that polarity) and fear was momentarily incrementing and augmenting the situation.

I was upset at this force and the power it seemed to have within the person I loved and around them. So I tried to depict it with all my heart. When I finished I thought it was a black piece, smacking of something I wanted to see the back of. I felt it to be a pictorial representation of toxicity.

It was only later, once I settled, that I realised that there was much light within it. Now I really like the piece. In the beginning I had it in a corner of the room, not quite hidden, but not openly present, I was almost scared of it, which makes sense. But now it feels like a piece of creation. Within the darkness, beneath the darkness, the light vibrates and shines.

Throughout the most challenging situations in my life, (and there have been quite a few) the light never went out, though I swore blind at the time that it had. They were the turning points, the moments I had to walk through to get to where I next needed to go and often it was into the most uplifting situations. I would not be as I am today without the struggle. It was the path I chose (and not always consciously), it was what I needed to learn the lessons I needed to learn.

Now when I look at the darkness, the real darkness of a light absent room, I see oscillating particles, like television static, all around me. I know that even within this there is the potential of light.

I had a dream a while back where I was able to work with the particles and draw the light forth. It was a wonderful dream and it has informed my waking since. That is what I have come to believe that every situation holds within it the seed of its potential opposite. It is through the recognition and acceptance of the states of being or the potentials that we achieve balance.

Fairly recently I read a book entitled: 'The Law of One, Book 1, The Ra Material'. One part examines the polarity of our existence: p. 87:
'Where you find patience within your mind you must consciously find the corresponding impatience and vice versa. Each thought a being has, has in its turn an antithesis...The mind contains all things. Therefore, you must discover this completeness within yourself. The second mental discipline is acceptance of the completeness within your consciousness.'
It goes on to say that once this has been achieved, the next step is to do the same with others.

This has stayed with me, within us are all things and sometimes it is harder to accept the light, our own power and joy than it is to accept the dark, though that side too is very hard to sit with. The mandalas became important for me because it was the first clearly physical step I took towards a different way of "doing".  Only much later did I realise that I had "done" something with my drawing.

For me these mandalas became anchors to different intentions. I am always told that it is important to make physical what we experience. If I meditate, when something happens, it is good to give it form, through sound or colour, whatever appeals to me. But it is important to anchor it on our plane. It was also about recognising that there were other options, different modes to express and cleanse both myself and the space around me.

I had opened up another space to explore things. I had found simple enjoyment, childlike, in something that I would otherwise never have embarked on. It began to open doors. If I had wanted to know what the point of it was before I embarked on it, I would never have known and thus would never have done it.

The reality is that we more often than not, don't know at a given time what the next step will bring, things only become clearer as we embark on the doing of it, no matter how silly it may seem at the time.

 Here is the mandala I drew, in reality it seems much darker:

Mandala II

After having done the first mandala, the very same day I did a second one. This one was the energy of where I wanted to be, the one I felt I resonated with and was trying to hold. I felt this to be more akin with the light and I kept it on my altar for a few months. It always made me feel very comfortable, as if I was held. I suppose I had drawn from within me what I wanted to resonate with and be. It did not need to come from beyond, it was already here. Perhaps that was the sense of comfort, I was tapping into something already existent and within was without.

Mandala III

I did this mandala the following day and it was completely different to the other two. It gave me a sense of cool clarity. Till today I feel as though it is a representation of another kind of dimensional existence. It feels very fluid and very clear. By doing the mandalas I open something in myself that goes beyond words.

Sarai Beginning

Finding the Name

This morning I realised that I had been thinking too much of others in my writing. I was beginning to write with a specific audience in mind, trying to reach out and become intelligible to those I already know.

It came to me in meditation that this is not the purpose of the blog or the online venture, it is to put out my thoughts as honestly as possible. I do not need to hold anything back. I can write as esoterically and as personally as I like. I just have to put it out and see what happens.

It is not about drawing those to me who are already within my orbit, it is about seeing what can happen in areas in which I have no pre-ordained ideas or expectations. It is a real adventure. 

I had been wanting to write the blog in my real name as I have been understanding how important my name is to me, but I then realised that this was not relevant in this instance. What name could I put? I wondered and I was answered Sarai. 

Why Sarai? It is close to another name I was given, but I had no affinity with and have rarely used. I began to look up Sarai on the web and the first references were to the origin of the name Sara, the wife of Abraham. But I knew that had nothing to do with it. I pursued and found that in Hindi and Urdu it means: an enclosed space in a city, a meeting place where travellers join to express views. 

That was it! That was why it had been given to me, because that is the root of my intention. More than trying to reach those who feel distant, it is about me plugging into the grid, being able to spread to and fortify my energy with those who are already plugged in too. 

I am feeling that comfort more and more, be it in picking up a book and recognising so much of my experience, learning that which once learnt already felt known. I get to sink into the familiarity which is a balm to me. 

Much of the energy around me is heavy and it is not always comfortable to operate within it. I am getting better at it but I need the connection more and more. Not just my connection with Source, the Oneness which is all around, but with those who are actively working with the light and experiencing similar things to myself.

Connecting In the Journey and Taking Responsibility

I went to Mass today and it was a similar plug in. I sat outside with the energy of the trees radiating around me. The priest himself in front of the darkness of the sanctuary glowed against his own energy body and his words were uplifting. 

Here I felt I could connect with the truths that I have been coming to understand. Here it was simple. But the journey to it was not an easy one. As he spoke I could see the years of Self searching, study and living that went into his accessing of simple conclusions. I wanted to cry because I knew from experience that this path is a difficult one and you need to be brave and what you seem to come out with are the most beautiful simple accessible truths. 

With no fanfare, it makes sense and I was happy to sit and watch his light and listen to what is familiar to me now. I listened to him talk about the need to identify what we feel. That is one of the first steps, until we can identify what we feel and then accept it, we cannot move through it. There is a world of study in this step. 

He spoke of taking up one’s cross. As he spoke I passed over the word “cross” and took the meaning, that he stated too, which is that we must take responsibility for our own lives. Now what does this mean? He said that we will find happiness within ourselves. He also stated that this is profoundly deep spiritual work. I understand why.

To be responsible for oneself is enormous. It is the start of real love. It flashed to me that this is what happened to me at the end of last year. I had to claim the distance and difference of my emotional state to those I loved. This was a great lesson for me.

Caring up till that point had been resonating with other’s emotions, sharing suffering, feeling sadness when others cried, feeling frustrated when others didn’t know what to do. This was how I had interpreted feeling and caring throughout my life. Standing apart, feeling empathy but not reacting was alien to me. It felt as though I didn’t care. I felt hard and I felt cruel. 

But I was given a set of circumstances that guided me in this direction. So I started to learn a different way. I began to meditate for those I love. Instead of getting involved in their daily upsets over which I had no control, I began to invest my energy and my love towards a different reality. 

I started to paint a different feeling state for them in my mind’s eye. I would relax and start to think of them when I saw them happy, when I loved them profoundly for the happiness and love they radiated and generated.

I painted the different pictures of them till I had it clear. One example was when they looked at an animal and became soft their eyes welling with love and turning to me with joy to share it. Or when they saw their child and shimmered with laughter and joy, or when they spoke profoundly of spiritual things that passed through them without them holding it. 

I held all this, until I really got a feeling sense and I stayed within this. I then asked that this be expanded upon, that this spread, I don’t know by what means, but I ask that it be done. 

What I believe happens is that I hold open the potential for another possibility. By basing it in what the person has inside them, I am calling forth something that already exists, I am just asking for its expansion.

I see it as filling space with another energy, with greater light. If the person has a corresponding desire and chooses that path, then the space is available and more expanded for them. It is always their choice however. But what I got through that work was peace and disentanglement. I began to understand that I was “doing” something.

Relearning “Doing”

It has been a journey for me to begin to extricate myself from our society’s concept of “doing” to one that fits more with my reality and I still come up in conflict with myself over that. It is still hard for me to think that it is quite true that going and sitting on a bench that I have been drawn to near a homeless man and working with his guides imaginatively is doing. I know deep down that it is. 

But there is still a part of me that clings onto the old and says what if you’re just dreaming? And then there’s the even more fearful part that screeches you’re going mad! I succumb less to that voice, but it can still derail me for a little. 

When it does I withdraw, I tone things down a little, until I regain my balance and head forth again. I don’t want to push against that voice, I suppose I have to accept it and realise that it still speaks for a part of me. To completely ignore it would not be kind. But to heed it to the point where it stops me from working as I do now would be my undoing. So all I need to do is pause for a short time and then continue.