A little boat of light sails through the darkness and the shadows are but passing reflections. There was beauty in the image, a gift given for looking, for grounding if only for a split second.
The root of the feelings came to me as I walked on, born as is often the case, from the deep sense of "I am not good enough." This time something I read had triggered it. It was a beautiful piece of Native American Indian wisdom, http://www.ilhawaii.net/~stony/lore134.html But something inside of me had held onto it to use as a kernel to feed a sense of lack.
The wisdom it held of being utterly in what we do and what we create, taking our time and not rushing, though wonderfully inspiring had been twisted into a self recrimination. It was so subtle that it took over an hour for me to realise what had happened. Some part of me was berating all the times I have behaved contrary to this wisdom, rushing to the end, pushing things to get to the end, though there was little satisfaction in the end. In truth, I have changed greatly in this, but the recriminations persisted.
The thought pattern had been insidious otherwise I could have questioned this voice as I am being taught to and asked it: "Do you come from within my Divine Essence?" I would have been met with silence and been freed from carrying it onwards.
The wisteria spoke in its place with a beautiful flash of sun-caught colour above the shining green ivy. One tendril swirled in a spiral and it was the spiral that caught my eye, bringing to mind my children, their love of drawing spirals.
"I am enough," I thought to myself. "I am completely enough, I am all I need to be in this moment."
How easy it is to forget this and to chip away and erode myself. The brick wall stuck out. There it was, worn away, rough and misshapen with white lichen, like paint, now covering it. That is how I get when I forget and get caught up in the negative thought tramlines. I become eroded and covered, choked in the negativity that generates more of itself.
A leaf caught my eye, rounded with one point, nestled into another leaf. How funny, I thought to myself, I would never think to berate the leaf for not yet having reached its potential of five points. It is in the art of becoming and it is beautiful as it is right now. How silly to do this to myself!
As I came home to write this up I realised that my sense of lack had begun earlier. I had received an email about supporting the Earth Healing Gathering this September in Turkey. I had donated something and thought how just sending energy in whatever form to something that resonated with me was lovely to do. http://www.earthhealinggathering.org and http://pupakhaghighi.weebly.com/earth-healing-gathering-2016.html
But sadly it had fed into a sense of lack. Studying the Native American Indian course I am doing had made me think how I contribute to the Earth's pain through my excess in living, my car, the house, etc. Again, I hadn't noticed the negativity, but it ran rampant. On the walk I had picked up some pieces of rubbish and put them in the bin, I had done it with love with a gentle thought towards the Earth.
So there is an easy immediate way to help, a little action at a time. I can smile now, for I can ask to be shown the way, I can do what I can and make myself open and loving to do more when I can. I can realise the discomfort may be a precursor to change, but blame and guilt will not help in any way.
What came to me on my walk is that if I think that I am not good enough, then nothing is good enough, not my children, a stone, a dog, a bird, the sky, the sunshine, not even the Earth. Nothing is good enough or truly matters for as long as I do not embrace myself wholeheartedly with love and wonder and tenderness.
I have six messaged alarms on my phone to remind me of this and I am shifting slowly, one ring and one message at a time!
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