Changing Beliefs Through Tracking Conscious Thought

For over a year I have been actively working with the idea that my beliefs create my reality. But in order to do this I have first to discover what my beliefs are. According to Seth in ‘The Nature of Personal Reality’ (Jane Roberts), one way to go about discovering this is to become aware of your conscious mind. What is going through your head every day? What are the thoughts passing through?

I suffered from depression for years when I was younger and it was characterised by a deep self-hatred. I would look in the mirror and literally spit out “I hate you,” with all the disgusted ferocity in me.

I have come a very long way since then, but as I became more and more aware of what goes through my conscious mind I was very surprised. Often when I look in a mirror I find fault. I pick on something, some bit of my tummy sticks out that it shouldn’t, meaning I need to do more exercise or eat less, which I jump to admonishment over. Or maybe my hair is wrong. Maybe I have a tiny spot on my chin. Maybe I simply don’t look good.

I have become so used to doing this that it flashes through my head without me even being aware of what I am thinking. But what is the message I reinforce to myself throughout the day in these flashes? Basically I am repeatedly telling myself that there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough.

This lead me to the belief I hold that I am not good enough. I have been aware of this for a while, but I hadn’t been aware of how I was reinforcing it and actively seeking out data to consolidate it. I can’t shift this belief overnight, but through exploring its roots and working to act differently in waking life, I can begin to work through it.

Now, when I look in a mirror the thoughts still flash, but they give rise to other thoughts too. Through my thoughts I am gently trying to rebalance the picture. I try to look at myself with love and acceptance and send that to myself as well.

In the film ‘What the Bleep Do You Know?’ there is a scene of a woman, who having been angry and self-hating for so long, makes her peace. She draws beautiful and loving messages all over her body. I haven’t got that far, but I try to think them!

I do believe, though that just sending positive messages doesn’t change the whole picture. My experience to date tells me that I need to work through things. I need to feel them, accept them, discover where they come from, hold open another possibility and only then do I get to move through and on.

If I just try to override it with intention without acceptance and exploration I basically come into direct conflict with what I hold. But it is a fine line. My tendency has often been to go more into exploration, which can sometimes lead to compounding the issue I’m dealing with, by overly focusing on it.

So I think it would be safe for me to say that in order to work through things, first I have to accept what I feel. Then I have to explore what the beliefs I hold are and where they come from. If I want to change them I can use my imagination to sense out what the other possibilities are. I can start to feel the opening and by holding that, I create a new space for myself to walk into.

An example of discovering beliefs through tracking thoughts comes to mind. A while ago I realised that when I was with my children, I constantly had thoughts going through my head that I wanted to be doing something else. I wanted to be writing, I wanted to be reading or studying. But I was so used to these thoughts, I didn’t even realise I was having them and had never stopped to look at them.

What did they mean and what did they say? I realised that what they were saying was that being with my children was not enough. Why was that? Why did I feel it was better to be writing, than being with my children?

In meditation it came to me. Since small my mother always told me to be financially independent, to work, not to be dependent as she was. There was great fear involved in this too, if I didn’t do this, I would end up being at the mercy of others. Behind this also, was the lack of value in the role of the mother.

In the end I never really became financially independent through work and that has tormented me. I never got a proper career and that tormented me too. I have always written but I have no external commendations to justify that to myself within my beliefs of what a proper career should be.

As I meditated I understood that what was arising was my belief that being a mother was not good enough. This was the reason that when I was with them, I was mentally trying to seek another form of work. My thoughts were saying: “I do (I am) more than this and I probably should be doing it.”

And so it was preventing me from being present with my children. It was creating a conflict that gave rise to irritability and frustration, which if manifested, would in turn give rise to guilt, and so it went on.

As I understood what was happening I also understood that I had a choice. Was being a mother good enough for me? The answer was yes. This does not mean that being a mother is all that makes me up, but when I am present as a mother then I can be that without seeking to be elsewhere.

I understood how this had blocked me. I loved my children and wanted to be with them. I knew in my heart that being with them was good enough. I did not have to carry something any more that was no longer mine. I felt much freer and my relationship with them changed. I became more present and I think they felt it. I, for the most part, laid down that inner silent back and forth conflict.  

As with many beliefs they do not stand alone. This belief about motherhood as I touched on it, relates to my concept of self and self worth through my beliefs about work. As stated, I believed that to hold my head up high to others I had to be able to define what it was that I do. I somehow yearned for a “real” job, which others could understand and ultimately put a salary on. The fact I didn’t have this, for many years, made me feel lesser.

I became increasingly more aware of this belief in recent years. I have been working very hard in exploring self and where the opportunity arises sharing it with the aim to help. But the inner exploration has been work. I spend a lot of time and energy on this. But I could not define it as “work,” in the career-sense.

Someone once mentioned to me that I wouldn’t think of a Tibetan monk who dedicates to prayer and meditation as not doing anything. That was true. Also true that I wasn’t a Tibetan monk! But I started to see that I was unfairly judging myself.

The more I opened to the realisation that I am “doing” something. I am actively working and working hard on a daily basis. But it is so off the scale of what is usually acceptable. I am working through thinking. I am working through meditation. I am working in dreams. I am working through connecting with another energy, opening to it, grounding it and having it come through my daily life. But if people ask me what I do, what do I say?

Over time by being aware of the belief and my intention to change it, the need to externally define myself is lessening. The more I work on myself, the more settled, solid, strong and sure I become.

At times I felt it unfair that I couldn’t get recognition for this work. But I know now that this is part of the journey I have chosen. It is to become strong enough in myself to hold my own certainty.

I am not alone in this. The more I open to the energy available in this kind of work, the more help and support I get. I am guided, taught and encouraged. Daily life is a mixture of signs that allow me to feel a wonderful sense of connection.

As my belief has begun to change about work, so has my experience. Avenues have opened up in myself and in the world around. Possibilities are arising that I would never have considered. This blog is one of them.

Had I stayed stuck in my belief about what work should be, I would have remained in conflict. Wanting something that didn’t resonate with me. It was clearly linked to the belief about what makes for success in life and though I didn’t agree with it I still held the belief.

This is opening now and I am realising that there are no external limitations to what I could do with my work for example. It does not have to follow conventional channels. It can find and create new ones, but only if I believe that can be so.