The Space in Between

How difficult it is to take up the space in between. I feel that many flee from this place. It is a very scary process to enter into the space where you begin to take leave of what you knew and yet where you are going is still unformed. You enter into an emotional no-man’s land.

Our beliefs create our reality and the space in between is the point where we experience the process of changing old beliefs for new ones.

By changing beliefs we change our lives. So the discomfort and unknowing we experience is in the space between two lives, it is at the threshold of the new potential life.

The other day I bumped into a friend who now has five children. She said that she wanted more and that she was sad that her husband did not concur. She said that she missed the time of motherhood. She did not want it to end.

I understood her. I understood how one could feel lost. When you live a period of time where you fill a certain role, where you relate to and define yourself in a certain way, it is saddening and confusing when that begins to change.

What is going to substitute your version of yourself? Who are you, for example, when you are no longer a mother who nurtures the baby inside them and then cares for them in a particular way? To give another example, who are you when the career you have no longer successfully defines you or your work is no longer satisfactory?

I have three children and I made a very final decision not to have more and it was very difficult. It was not that I necessarily wanted more, which I didn’t, but it was a change in identity.

I was stepping out of a phase of my life in which I related to myself in a certain way and marking a definite turning point. I even felt for a while to be in a period of mourning. I was no longer the person I had been and I did not know what this signified for the future. 

In my case a great part of it had to do with my relating to creativity. In a way, by stopping the physical creating part, I stepped into another relationship with my own creativity. It was a step further along in claiming responsibility for my creativity, physically independent of others, of claiming my own power.

When we step into the space in between, what happens? The first thing that springs to mind is discomfort, anxiety, sadness even. We feel the need to define ourselves and in the transition we find ourselves between definitions.

I suffered a lot as a child because I could not easily define myself nationally. I was  an Iraqi living in London who had never lived in Iraq. I could not pass as British and I was not really Iraqi. I was a person in between.

For a long time I regretted and mourned not being able to belong. But I see now how important it was and why I chose to come into this experience. Every time I got close to belonging, to adopting a replete cultural model, I broke it down in order to break out again. 

Who I was, was not served up to me easily and this naturally loosened the external cords enough for me to start seeking who I was from within myself.

A few years back, when I started awakening everything speeded up. Nothing was familiar any more. I was getting pieces here and there but had no idea how or if they would ever fit together. I remember asking: ‘how long is this going to go on for?’ The answer was, as can be imagined, very unsatisfying. ‘It varies.’

It was simultaneously exciting and terrifying. There was great discomfort involved. I did not know who I was, where I was headed or what was coming. These are not easy sensations to live with.

But it did all begin to loosely come together. It all settled down. It was beautiful to see how seemingly disparate things were now making a part of a whole. I started to see a greater picture.

Ideas that had shocked me and seemed so far out of my way of being and seeing the world, with no effort, became familiar. A framework was created to start building upon. I settled down into it.

It was a process and there is much to learn through the process itself. Though I became comfortable with the bulk ideas I continued to shift with my beliefs and each shift seems to open up a void and its corresponding sense of discomfort.

When I speak of “void” I mean an empty space, without the negative emotional connotations the word “void” may conjure up. In a way it is a highly positive space purely because it is space.

It is only when there is space that something else can come in. If I fill it up constantly I leave no room for anything new. If I talk constantly, I cannot listen.

But what I am discovering mirrors that which the physicists are discovering: that there is no empty space. Recently I was approached with a project. I had no idea how I would flesh it out or whether I was even interested. But as I worked at it ideas began to flow and they came from the space around me.

I had the clear sensation of how I could place my consciousness outside of myself or rather let my consciousness go and draw from the space. I had no expectations of what was in the space, but it flowed and the result was fascinating for me. It was combining my interests and learning in ways I could never have foreseen. 

This has been the coming together of many thoughts I have been having. It has been becoming clearer to me that I need to let go more. I have been very driven, especially on my spiritual path, but in part I have been driven by fear.

I feared that if I stopped driving things, seeking the next point of learning in books for example or experiences from within mediation, then it would stop. In many ways it had much to do with control. I was not comfortable to take up my space within the space.

I am coming to realise that just by being it will come to me. The more I step into the space, the more I actually become.

Big Choices from Little Actions As Told Through the Fruit Juice Carton

I believe that big changes can come from little actions. I have seen this repeated again and again in my life. One small decision especially one that steps outside the box, can trigger a chain of events that literally changes my life. Much of my life has followed a string of these microcosm to macrocosm decisions.

The other day I was walking and a young man was walking a bit ahead. Someone had left a fruit juice carton on the pavement. The man walked by it and then kicked it.

I thought: “How funny!  What a good analogy of how energy attracts like energy.” The person who left it there did something careless, something that showed a disregard, big or not, for the place they live and the people around.

Another person walked by and the carton acted as a signal to awaken and draw to itself a similar energy. It was another energy of carelessness and disregard, sparked with a touch of anger. Small things and not seemingly significant, but I saw how one attracted the other.

I noted it and was about to go into my house. Then I stopped. I realised that by noting it and internally laughing about it I was superiorly gloating in my own way. What else could I do?

If it was an energy that was “negative” and drawing to itself more of its kind, could I add something else to it? I turned back and picked up the spilt carton. I brought it in and put it in the bin. I felt humbled in the act.

I consciously imagined that just by touching this carton I was contributing something to its energetic manifestation, adding to it a contrasting energy to what it had just experienced. I was energetically shifting the balance.

What is the world I wish to be creating and contributing to? I know what it feels like and it is a feeling, a sense I connect to in meditation and in my inner quiet. But in order for it to move from the place of quiet meditation I need to take it into action.

I don’t know if any big changes externally came from my little action. But it underlined for me my commitment to what I am working on and the multiple ways I am given opportunities to express and manifest it.

It also led me to the knowing sense that I can “do” something. Energetically I can reach out, and with intent, add another dimension, another possibility to what is currently existing.

I was once told that the more conscious we become, the less we are afforded the luxury of mindlessly not doing anything. We are presented with choices and we have to choose. We can choose to do nothing but we do that consciously now.

It can seem trying and a bit exhausting at times, but I also see it as freeing. It adds a whole other magical component to my life. Minute events, can thus take on great significance when I turn my conscious mind to them. There seems to be no limit to the depth that can be explored from each moment. 

Changing Beliefs Through Tracking Conscious Thought

For over a year I have been actively working with the idea that my beliefs create my reality. But in order to do this I have first to discover what my beliefs are. According to Seth in ‘The Nature of Personal Reality’ (Jane Roberts), one way to go about discovering this is to become aware of your conscious mind. What is going through your head every day? What are the thoughts passing through?

I suffered from depression for years when I was younger and it was characterised by a deep self-hatred. I would look in the mirror and literally spit out “I hate you,” with all the disgusted ferocity in me.

I have come a very long way since then, but as I became more and more aware of what goes through my conscious mind I was very surprised. Often when I look in a mirror I find fault. I pick on something, some bit of my tummy sticks out that it shouldn’t, meaning I need to do more exercise or eat less, which I jump to admonishment over. Or maybe my hair is wrong. Maybe I have a tiny spot on my chin. Maybe I simply don’t look good.

I have become so used to doing this that it flashes through my head without me even being aware of what I am thinking. But what is the message I reinforce to myself throughout the day in these flashes? Basically I am repeatedly telling myself that there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough.

This lead me to the belief I hold that I am not good enough. I have been aware of this for a while, but I hadn’t been aware of how I was reinforcing it and actively seeking out data to consolidate it. I can’t shift this belief overnight, but through exploring its roots and working to act differently in waking life, I can begin to work through it.

Now, when I look in a mirror the thoughts still flash, but they give rise to other thoughts too. Through my thoughts I am gently trying to rebalance the picture. I try to look at myself with love and acceptance and send that to myself as well.

In the film ‘What the Bleep Do You Know?’ there is a scene of a woman, who having been angry and self-hating for so long, makes her peace. She draws beautiful and loving messages all over her body. I haven’t got that far, but I try to think them!

I do believe, though that just sending positive messages doesn’t change the whole picture. My experience to date tells me that I need to work through things. I need to feel them, accept them, discover where they come from, hold open another possibility and only then do I get to move through and on.

If I just try to override it with intention without acceptance and exploration I basically come into direct conflict with what I hold. But it is a fine line. My tendency has often been to go more into exploration, which can sometimes lead to compounding the issue I’m dealing with, by overly focusing on it.

So I think it would be safe for me to say that in order to work through things, first I have to accept what I feel. Then I have to explore what the beliefs I hold are and where they come from. If I want to change them I can use my imagination to sense out what the other possibilities are. I can start to feel the opening and by holding that, I create a new space for myself to walk into.

An example of discovering beliefs through tracking thoughts comes to mind. A while ago I realised that when I was with my children, I constantly had thoughts going through my head that I wanted to be doing something else. I wanted to be writing, I wanted to be reading or studying. But I was so used to these thoughts, I didn’t even realise I was having them and had never stopped to look at them.

What did they mean and what did they say? I realised that what they were saying was that being with my children was not enough. Why was that? Why did I feel it was better to be writing, than being with my children?

In meditation it came to me. Since small my mother always told me to be financially independent, to work, not to be dependent as she was. There was great fear involved in this too, if I didn’t do this, I would end up being at the mercy of others. Behind this also, was the lack of value in the role of the mother.

In the end I never really became financially independent through work and that has tormented me. I never got a proper career and that tormented me too. I have always written but I have no external commendations to justify that to myself within my beliefs of what a proper career should be.

As I meditated I understood that what was arising was my belief that being a mother was not good enough. This was the reason that when I was with them, I was mentally trying to seek another form of work. My thoughts were saying: “I do (I am) more than this and I probably should be doing it.”

And so it was preventing me from being present with my children. It was creating a conflict that gave rise to irritability and frustration, which if manifested, would in turn give rise to guilt, and so it went on.

As I understood what was happening I also understood that I had a choice. Was being a mother good enough for me? The answer was yes. This does not mean that being a mother is all that makes me up, but when I am present as a mother then I can be that without seeking to be elsewhere.

I understood how this had blocked me. I loved my children and wanted to be with them. I knew in my heart that being with them was good enough. I did not have to carry something any more that was no longer mine. I felt much freer and my relationship with them changed. I became more present and I think they felt it. I, for the most part, laid down that inner silent back and forth conflict.  

As with many beliefs they do not stand alone. This belief about motherhood as I touched on it, relates to my concept of self and self worth through my beliefs about work. As stated, I believed that to hold my head up high to others I had to be able to define what it was that I do. I somehow yearned for a “real” job, which others could understand and ultimately put a salary on. The fact I didn’t have this, for many years, made me feel lesser.

I became increasingly more aware of this belief in recent years. I have been working very hard in exploring self and where the opportunity arises sharing it with the aim to help. But the inner exploration has been work. I spend a lot of time and energy on this. But I could not define it as “work,” in the career-sense.

Someone once mentioned to me that I wouldn’t think of a Tibetan monk who dedicates to prayer and meditation as not doing anything. That was true. Also true that I wasn’t a Tibetan monk! But I started to see that I was unfairly judging myself.

The more I opened to the realisation that I am “doing” something. I am actively working and working hard on a daily basis. But it is so off the scale of what is usually acceptable. I am working through thinking. I am working through meditation. I am working in dreams. I am working through connecting with another energy, opening to it, grounding it and having it come through my daily life. But if people ask me what I do, what do I say?

Over time by being aware of the belief and my intention to change it, the need to externally define myself is lessening. The more I work on myself, the more settled, solid, strong and sure I become.

At times I felt it unfair that I couldn’t get recognition for this work. But I know now that this is part of the journey I have chosen. It is to become strong enough in myself to hold my own certainty.

I am not alone in this. The more I open to the energy available in this kind of work, the more help and support I get. I am guided, taught and encouraged. Daily life is a mixture of signs that allow me to feel a wonderful sense of connection.

As my belief has begun to change about work, so has my experience. Avenues have opened up in myself and in the world around. Possibilities are arising that I would never have considered. This blog is one of them.

Had I stayed stuck in my belief about what work should be, I would have remained in conflict. Wanting something that didn’t resonate with me. It was clearly linked to the belief about what makes for success in life and though I didn’t agree with it I still held the belief.

This is opening now and I am realising that there are no external limitations to what I could do with my work for example. It does not have to follow conventional channels. It can find and create new ones, but only if I believe that can be so.

Looking and Shifting

This summer I began to develop an interest in crop circles. What are they? How do they get there and what do they mean? One answer that resonated with me is that they are put there by non-earth-based entities in order to help, exposing us to an image, a symbol that ultimately acts as a key. 

The image itself awakens, releases information, reactivating our potential with no effort or conscious rationalisation on our part. They are put there to help us in our shifting of consciousness and vibrational changes. Just by seeing them we become more open to another way of being and adapt better to the shifting frequencies, which are making up our reality. 

Whether it’s true or not, the thought of great help coming through and actively working to bring about a change in line with a heart based consciousness, comforts me. I like it and I think that is enough for it to bring about changes in my life. I do not seek proof but I receive inspiration, imagination and a willing excitement to explore.

I spent a few days going through pictures of crop circles and found them incredibly beautiful and interesting. One website I liked very much was the photography of Steve Alexander: www.temporarytemples.co.uk I had been working on mandalas and playing around with sacred geometry and it was exciting to see some of the same forms arising in the crop circles. 

It seems as though whatever I come across and appeals to me ends up drawing me into the feeling that there is an underlying Oneness to all things. (For another contrasting visual of this point, ‘Li: Dynamic Form in Nature’ by David Wade, is lovely to look at.)

It encouraged me to trace the path of my own exploration over the past couple of years with symbols. Over a year ago my visual perception began to change. Sometimes it seemed as if the world were made of pixels, tiny shadows of light and dark that undulate and vibrate. 

I could still see that the wall was a wall, but it had more to it than a clean-washed, two-dimensional smoothness. The air separating me from that wall was not empty either – it had depth and movement. Darkness seemed like television static. 

I was amazed. I started to see that the air was alive, there was no empty space and it was wonderful to begin to visually glimpse the depth of what might be out there. It began to open me to new possibilities. And despite it being new, it simultaneously felt very familiar.  

It wasn’t long afterwards that the air took on greater form. I started to see that there were faint shapes, lines, squiggles, eventually slightly more complex forms that floated through the air. They were of a different density, highlighted, some clear light, others greyish and silvery. I would catch them falling through my vision but whenever I tried to stare directly at them they would fall beyond my point of view. 

I have copied them and there is something enormously satisfying in translating the images onto paper. I think it links to what I have been told: that we can experience something, but to work in the energy, we have to ground it on the physical plane.

                                 

                                   

I asked about these falling shapes I saw and was given a variety of answers at different points. I was told that they were matrices that underpinned certain creations. They were the forms upon which sound (vibration) and light are hung to create physicality. At another point I was told that they were indicative of protective angelic presences. 

Each answer moved me in some way and excited me to seek something else out. The matrices led me towards sacred geometry, which led me to mandalas. Those in turn connected me to another kind of knowing.

In working on a mandala it is as though intuition kicks in. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing, but I have a feeling that the next move, the next erasure of a line, the choice of colour is the right one and that it is coming together. Whilst I do it, I really feel as though I am on a journey. It is as though beneath rationalisations, a deeper understanding is opening up. 

At the end of it, I feel changed and happy to have been a part of a process. And the process does not end there. I have an image that continues to work or better to say, radiate.

This summer I drew a mandala and I had a vague feeling for the colours I wanted. It was more like a calling. I began and I felt almost slightly frenzied. I knew I would not move until it was done, but I did not really know what it was I was doing. I mixed colours and often it did not seem at all to be something I was happy with, but by the end I was impressed. It was far more beautiful, the colours more potent than what I could have thought. It also made sense to me.

For some reason I thought of it as The Wheel of Karma, as if I knew this image, but I couldn’t think where. I kept it in my room and it drew me to it again. I don’t feel I originated it. It came through me and I helped it into being and it in turn helped me.

In some ways I had a similar experience with my falling shapes, as I like to think of them. I told a good friend about them in passing. The next time I saw him he gave me a book on the Petrogliphs (outside rock paintings/carvings) in Galicia (‘Los Petroglifos Gallegos, Antonio de la Pena Santos, J.M. Vazquez Varela). I looked through it in awe as it reminded me so much of the interior details of the forms I see, which are so small that I cannot put them down. 

The re-echoing of images and symbols through time and what they harken to is compelling for me. I have seen in myself that I link understanding, which is thought based, to words.  Communication, I only used to consider, in its verbal component. But the exploration of the image is opening that up for me. Symbols communicate, symbols can bring about understanding, but it is one that we, at least in this part of the world, are probably no longer used to.

At times when someone is telling me something, especially in channel, I feel as if a river of images is being conveyed to me. I have become aware that there are different things going on at those moments. There is the worded conversation and there is something akin to a transference which is definitely more image based.

Someone recently spoke to me about the rushes of energy they were experiencing. I feel them a great deal and have done so for a while now. I have so many ideas as to what they pertain to. Sometimes I feel it is just a shifting of energy within my body, perhaps an opening of blockages. 

But one thing that resonates with this piece, is that I feel them to be a transfer. I read the phrase somewhere, energy packets of information. To me it does seem like the reception of something that comes through energetically and is instantly absorbed physically as a sensational rush, shivers coursing through the body. It is like the first instant hit of what comes through. Then over time it gets translated, lived and thought out. I feel that they are helping me in raising my consciousness.

Yet it is as I began. In many ways it does not matter what any of this “means.” I used to feel that the symbols I saw had to have an intrinsic meaning in themselves that I, obviously wanted to know. But I am coming and being prodded to the realisation that that is not what is relevant. 

What is relevant is where it takes me. What does it open up for me, what becomes possible that wouldn’t have been before? How does it make me feel? If it brings me a sense of peace, how can I summon up that feeling at times when I feel peace-less, by using that image or experience as a reference?

Symbols are a part of my journey, but it is because they resonate with a language that I must be open to. It could be anything else for anyone else. But I believe that we can track the exploration and find beautiful patterns in all that we live and in all that our interests evoke. As we work to link and trace the patterns, we get to see that beneath it all is the underlying unity of all things.